…love ain’t somethin’ lak un grindstone dat’s de same thing everywhere and do de same thing tuh everything it touch. Love is lak de sea. It’s uh movin’ thing, but still and all, it takes it shape from de shore it meets, and its different with every shore… Zora Neale Hurston, Their Eyes Were Watching God
This is the end and beginning of a new chapter in my life. There were times in my life when I felt like I was in the midst of a tug of war. Some with myself and at times with significant others. I have been in a relationship with the same person for the past four years. We had broken up for a four-month period but we decided to pick up where we left off. He has been there for me at times I have needed him most and each and every day I ask God for him to continue to be there. He helped me cope through one of the most difficult times of my life, and I am so ever thankful he was there so that I would have a shoulder to cry on.
I miss Charles, wish I could talk to him one last time, apologize for anything I had done, be there for him when he needed me most (something I won’t ever forget). Every time I think about him, about us, it brings tears to my eyes. I know he had always loved me in a way no one ever could no matter how hard they tried. Charles is the friend that I will always long for and never forget. He knew me so well, understood me and never judged me. He believed in me, made me a portion of who I am and will be. It never occurred to me that I could lose him. He was a great friend, a better one than I will ever be.
When we met, there was a spark between us, not love at first sight but we knew it would be the start of a new profound friendship. I never felt the need to have a best friend because I’ve always kept things to myself and find it difficult to talk about the way I feel. With Charles, I never had to worry about that because he always knew how I felt and deep down inside I knew how he felt. We were compatible in so many ways that it was impossible to be with him because he knew me so well. Sometimes, I didn’t even have to open my mouth and he would already know what I was thinking. People that knew us both always thought that we would be together but my heart had already belonged to someone else. Charles was there with me throughout my first two years of my first relationship, and never once tried to interfere. Charles was also there when the first two years ended. He never understood why I had broken up with someone I said I loved but yet he never questioned my decision. During those four months, Charles and I had become a lot closer. We spent much more time on the telephone, he would come over to hang out more often, and he even let me drive his car. One particular night that remains vivid in my memory was the week that Jonathan (my beau) and I began to speak to each other again. One afternoon, Charles came over and we sat on the hood of his car like we usually did. I told him about what was going on with me, which of course was pretty obvious to him and how I felt about it. He told me that he thought that was the best thing to do because he knows how I much care about Jonathan and what he means to me. That afternoon, Charles had also told me how he felt about me. He told me that he cared about me more than I could ever imagine. I was what brightened up his day when he was down, what made him who he was, the person he dreamt of day and night and thought that he couldn’t be without but always knew he wouldn’t be able to have. He told me all of this while we sat on the hood of his car. I got off first and for the first time I was unable to tell my best friend in the whole wide world, how I felt. You see, the last four months that I had spent with him were incredible. I even began to love him in a way that I had never before. I always loved him as a friend but during that time those feelings gradually grew into something much more. Before I was even able to say anything he knew he couldn’t be with me because I was too much like him, I had become him. Besides, he knew where my heart was and knew I would never jeopardize our friendship. I loved him indeed, but as the best friend that he was and will always be. No one could ever replace him, deep in my heart he will always be. That night before he left, Charles hugged me and shortly after his lips touched mine. I felt like the entire universe froze at that moment, a moment that changed both of our lives forever. He apologized so many times and not once did I find it necessary to forgive him. His apologies could have meant that the kiss was an honest mistake, but we both knew that it wasn’t, when it came to each other we made no mistake. He got in his car one evening after having an intense argument with me over the phone and never made it home. I never forgave myself for not forgiving him. Two years have gone by and the feeling is still unbearable. Jonathan may not know it but he has helped me in a way that no one ever could. He has kept me from making myself believe that I am at fault, that everything happens for a reason, and that the only way that I can be forgiven is if I forgive myself. I have realized that the love I shared with one isn’t the same as with the other. The love I shared with Charles was based on friendship and intense understanding of one another. The love that I still now share with Jonathan is based not only on friendship but also on the foundation of one day becoming one.
Throughout these past years, I have found love to be overbearing. At times, I’m unsure of what it really is. I realize though that love is simply what I make it out to be. I know that I love the person that I am with and it’s impossible to imagine myself to be with anyone else. I do know that in a relationship there are ups and downs but isn’t it bound to work if both partners are willing to make sacrifices and work together? I may not know what God has in store for me but I truly hope that it isn’t losing Jonathan in any shape or form.